I’ll be honest, I spent New Years Day 2014 not unlike many people I’m sure – hungover. It was among my top five of hangovers for sure. It comes after freshmen year of college swigging tequila with my newfound friends and dorm mates. (I couldn’t drink, much less smell tequila for a good four years after that). It also comes after the day my mom died. It, too, falls behind my 30th birthday’s post Copenhagen night on the town and finally, another New Years Eve when some girlfriends and I thought it would be a good idea to split a bottle of champagne to get more bang for our buck just before the countdown and pounded it. Ugh, it is not fun reminiscing about these times because, though they were great times, the aftermath was far from worth the pain.
This leads me into broaching the subject, just why did I let the drink get the best of me this last New Years Eve? A man, that’s why. I let all my frustrations out that night I spent with a man I’d been dating for the previous five months, though we’d been “off” the last month primarily. I was so sick and tired of being cancelled on, being forgotten about, being not thought of and being considered last. It all came out that night through small inconsiderations by him that, to me, symbolized the greater and grander inconsiderations on the whole.
And so I let him have it. One giant vocalization for all womankind! Only it didn’t do me any good because I was drunk and to him, I wasn’t making sense. He didn’t get that the accepting of fruit at the bar from a stranger while I was in the bathroom and then gorging on it when I came back, commenting on how delicious it was caused in me the observation that all I could see was that he did not get an orange for me nor did he offer me some of his orange – which led me to the greater reaffirmation and angry reaction that he often didn’t consider me or my feelings. Blood boiling!
And so it was that New Years Day 2014, I was a wrenching, crying, vomiting mess.
And also so it was that I lived to survive another day and on this day, the second day in the New Year, I vowed that I would pay attention more to a man’s actions and less to his words in how he treated me.
It was four months until I met the next man I would date. This man I was for some unexplained reason – call it chemistry, call it lust, call it pheromones – absolutely smitten by. He was smooth. In the beginning, he said all the right things, doted on me, took me on amazing dates, bought me flowers and the list goes on. But there were little clues in his non-actions, I chose to ignore. Rarely was he on time, so inconsiderate of my time being valuable. He’d let days go by without communicating to me. He talked about himself when we were together a lot. He rarely asked me about me. He’d forget things I told him.
As the months went by, his actions became less and less. His words became more and more.
• He showed up hours late to a beach movie date claiming he thought I’d be fine because I was with friends.
• After I took him sailing with my workmates, he asked me to drop him home so he could get something if he was going to spend the night at my house then ended up saying that when he slept at my house his sleep was hindered as I had to get up for work in the mornings (he worked a 20 hr/week shift job).
• He said he had plans to drink with his roommate that he didn’t want to break the night my car broke down and I was stranded on the side of the freeway.
• He said he preferred not to do things with me on the weekends as he worked during the week and wanted to decompress and do group things with friends on the weekends (mind you, I work a 40 hr/week professional job and would get about 5-6 hours of sleep when we’d date on weeknights)
• He replied to my birthday invite at the last minute that he was going out of town for the weekend to the wine country. “We’ll celebrate when I get back,” he said.
There are a lot of worse things he said but I won’t go into them here. Suffice it to say, they were rude and demeaning whether he realized them or not.
Stop talkin your blah, blah, blah!
And here I was again. Here I’d let it happen to me all over again. Dammit!
Instead of the day after New Years Eve, it was the day after my birthday that I spent wrenching and crying but thankfully not vomiting. As the hurt subsided, the anger took over. This time, I was less angry with the man and more angry with myself.
In the words of Ke$sha, “Stop talkin your blah, blah, blah!”
Words can be manipulative and deceitful. They can seemingly convey what someone wants to hear, yet not followed up on by matching actions, they are just words. Empty words. Words can also absolutely convey what someone doesn’t want to hear yet can be unmatched by empty, meaningless actions.
“I’m not interested in dating anyone else,” coming out of a man’s mouth followed by a date cancelled at the last minute does not equate words equaling actions.
Words should equal actions.
It’s hard to keep the faith sometimes. I’ve had a long string of guys treating me poorly. There have also been plenty of good guys in my life, thankfully, to balance the bad out. And I guess that helps me keep going. I hope to get one of the good guys eventually. Before I get there though, I have to stop listening to the blah, blah, blah. I have to stop believing the blah, blah, blah. I have to honor how a man is making me feel and how he treats me above the word noise.
Silence is golden. Words are powerful. Action is everything.
Do you think talk is cheap? Have you had experiences where someone you’re interested in is all talk, no action? Or maybe you’ve had the opposite experience. I’d love to hear from you. Please reply in the comment section below.